Woody Allen

+ 247 Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen


+ 295 I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen


+ 234 The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. Woody Allen


+ 286 The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. Woody Allen


+ 236 I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen


+ 245 If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. Woody Allen


+ 264 Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen


+ 338 Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Woody Allen


+ 235 I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen


+ 218 My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen


+ 188 I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen


+ 212 My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen


+ 218 I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen


+ 243 Tradition is the illusion of permanance. Woody Allen


+ 219 Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen


+ 209 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen


+ 209 I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. Woody Allen


+ 203 I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen


+ 190 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Woody Allen


+ 263 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen


+ 261 Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. Woody Allen


+ 237 In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. Woody Allen


+ 241 He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. Woody Allen


+ 216 I am two with nature. Woody Allen


+ 232 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Woody Allen


+ 245 Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. Woody Allen


+ 261 Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Woody Allen


+ 267 When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. Woody Allen


+ 208 I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. Woody Allen


+ 235 Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. Woody Allen


+ 263 When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. Woody Allen


+ 229 My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. Woody Allen


+ 273 On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen


+ 187 Marriage is the death of hope. Woody Allen


+ 236 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen


+ 213 I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen


+ 241 Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. Woody Allen


+ 269 Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. Woody Allen


+ 195 If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. Woody Allen


+ 229 Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen


+ 229 The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. Woody Allen


+ 205 Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? Woody Allen


+ 273 I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. Woody Allen


+ 224 Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. Woody Allen


+ 207 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Woody Allen


+ 292 I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. Woody Allen


+ 206 I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! Woody Allen


+ 266 I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. Woody Allen


+ 250 I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. Woody Allen


+ 249 Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. Woody Allen


+ 270 It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen


+ 276 I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen


+ 244 Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. Woody Allen


+ 261 I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen


+ 233 I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. Woody Allen


+ 252 In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. Woody Allen


+ 200 His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. Woody Allen


+ 215 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen


+ 216 I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. Woody Allen


+ 224 Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. Woody Allen


+ 188 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. Woody Allen


+ 195 I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. Woody Allen


+ 253 Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. Woody Allen


+ 266 If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen


+ 250 If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. ~ Woody Allen


+ 309 The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to those things. Woody Allen


+ 241 If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a deposit in my name in a Swiss bank account. Woody Allen