Woody Allen

+ 211 Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen


+ 263 I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen


+ 202 The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. Woody Allen


+ 249 The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. Woody Allen


+ 205 I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen


+ 211 If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. Woody Allen


+ 230 Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen


+ 304 Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Woody Allen


+ 205 I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen


+ 182 My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen


+ 157 I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen


+ 178 My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen


+ 184 I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen


+ 216 Tradition is the illusion of permanance. Woody Allen


+ 192 Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen


+ 181 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen


+ 176 I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. Woody Allen


+ 177 I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen


+ 164 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Woody Allen


+ 228 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen


+ 225 Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. Woody Allen


+ 201 In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. Woody Allen


+ 212 He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. Woody Allen


+ 178 I am two with nature. Woody Allen


+ 199 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Woody Allen


+ 218 Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. Woody Allen


+ 231 Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Woody Allen


+ 240 When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. Woody Allen


+ 177 I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. Woody Allen


+ 199 Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. Woody Allen


+ 231 When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. Woody Allen


+ 198 My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. Woody Allen


+ 233 On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen


+ 159 Marriage is the death of hope. Woody Allen


+ 208 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen


+ 187 I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen


+ 212 Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. Woody Allen


+ 232 Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. Woody Allen


+ 163 If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. Woody Allen


+ 200 Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen


+ 196 The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. Woody Allen


+ 171 Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? Woody Allen


+ 230 I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. Woody Allen


+ 191 Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. Woody Allen


+ 174 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Woody Allen


+ 259 I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. Woody Allen


+ 178 I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! Woody Allen


+ 236 I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. Woody Allen


+ 214 I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. Woody Allen


+ 220 Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. Woody Allen


+ 232 It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen


+ 247 I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen


+ 213 Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. Woody Allen


+ 227 I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen


+ 199 I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. Woody Allen


+ 217 In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. Woody Allen


+ 167 His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. Woody Allen


+ 181 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen


+ 183 I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. Woody Allen


+ 199 Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. Woody Allen


+ 163 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. Woody Allen


+ 161 I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. Woody Allen


+ 226 Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. Woody Allen


+ 226 If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen


+ 216 If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. ~ Woody Allen


+ 272 The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to those things. Woody Allen


+ 210 If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a deposit in my name in a Swiss bank account. Woody Allen